Welcome back, dear readers, to another weary shuffle beneath the Big Top of Blunders, where the fairy lights are flickering, the sawdust is damp with despair, and even Christmas week cannot persuade the clowns to take a day off from making fools of themselves.
While most of the country is attempting goodwill, calm and a mince pie or two, the Labour Circus has insisted on delivering yet another festive special of incompetence, arrogance and self inflicted humiliation.
Tinsel has been draped over the tent, but the acts inside remain as grim as ever.
Let us begin with the seasonal farce at the heart of the ring. As winds down over Christmas and New Year, Labour is rushing through the Chagos deal like a magician trying to slip the rabbit into the hat before anyone notices the trapdoor. Justice delayed is justice denied, we are told, except this time it is justice rushed so nobody can scrutinise it. Why the hurry, why the secrecy, and why over Christmas and New Year? Nothing says goodwill to all men quite like pushing a controversial sovereignty handover while Parliament is half empty and the public are distracted by turkey.
Next, the freak show lurches forward this week. Keir Starmer found himself under fire for welcoming an extremist figure who praised the killing of Zionists and expressed hatred towards white people. Even for a government that collects terrible judgement calls like novelty clown cars, this was a jaw dropping moment. Labour insists it stands against extremism, yet somehow manages to keep inviting it backstage for tea. The contortionists in the press office twisted themselves into knots trying to explain it away, but no amount of bending could disguise the stench of hypocrisy.
Out in the countryside tent, the tractors finally forced a climbdown. Hooray! After months of protests, Labour was humiliated into retreating on its farm tax plans. The balloon animal of rural support popped loudly, showering straw and embarrassment across Whitehall. This was not listening to farmers, it was surrender under pressure, proving once again that this government only changes course when the audience starts throwing rotten fruit.
Meanwhile, Rachel Reeves continued her performance with the jobs hammer. UK hiring has slumped to the worst in the G7, with Labour’s jobs tax blamed squarely for the collapse. The strong woman act has turned into a disappearing employment trick, as businesses vanish and opportunities evaporate. It is hard to sell growth when the tent poles are snapping and the crowd is quietly leaving.
Inside Whitehall itself, whispers have grown louder. Labour MPs are reportedly turning on Starmer over his decision to axe press briefings. Even the clowns are beginning to mutter that the ringmaster is hiding behind the curtains. Transparency has been sawn in half and locked in a box, while accountability is told to wait until after the holidays.
Then came the international slapstick this week. Google publicly blasted Labour over the Online Safety Act, while the United States warned Britain it was heading down a dark path for free speech. When Silicon Valley and Washington are both ringing the alarm bell, perhaps the government should stop juggling censorship laws and pretending it is a magic trick. Instead, Labour waved cheerfully and insisted everything was fine, even as the audience booed.
Back on the high street, the tax rage is spreading. Hairdressers have now also begun snipping Labour MPs from their salons, joining pub landlords in open revolt. It turns out when you tax small businesses into oblivion, they stop offering you a seat. Who knew. The hospitality tent is now half collapsed, and the performers are furious.
And finally, the Christmas week absurdity reached its peak with Labour announcing plans to ban chasing artificial scent, while simultaneously refusing to confront the brutality of halal slaughter. This is what passes for priorities under the Labour Circus. Policing perfume trails while dodging serious moral questions. It is regulation as pantomime, ideology as distraction, and governance as farce.
So yes, dear readers, even on Christmas week, Labour has managed to make complete fools of itself. The clowns have not sobered up, the contortionists are still bending the truth, and the freak show grows ever more disturbing. While the country hopes for peace, stability and a brief pause from chaos, Two Tier Keir and his circus march on regardless, ringing bells, dropping plates, and charging the audience for the privilege.
This is Clowning Street at Christmas. No silent night, no calm reflection, just another week of noise, nonsense and national embarrassment. Keep the lights on, guard your wallet, and hold your loved ones close. Under this Big Top, the madness never takes a holiday.
READ ALL ABOUT IT: Links to this week’s top Labour circus acts below:
Alaa Abd el-Fattah was arrested on October 30th 2011 for inciting violence at the Maspero clashes and Keir Starmer has celebrated his return to the UK. DEPORT!